STFU, Romance Novels

Got someone in your life who needs a good laugh? Buy them a personalized romance novel from booksbyyou.com, online chuckle barons behind such awesomeness as my new novel starring my friend Emily and Chuck Norris. Behold: 

Chapter Five … Emily & Chuck Norris - a heated encounter

… Emily slapped the coin from his outstretched hand, sending it flying into the shrubbery. “We don’t want your blood money!” 

     Chuck Norris sighed, his eyes narrowing, then he suddenly reached out and grabbed Emily by her bodice string that, unbeknownst to her, had become untied and hung loosely from her dress. The lace tightened immediately as he pulled her towards him like a dog on a tether. Emily winced with surprise and embarrassment, her green eyes ablaze. 

      He leaned close to her, breathing softly in her ear, making Emily almost lose her balance and certainly some sense. He paused just long enough to catch her off guard in anticipation, when he said, “You might want to keep the girls tied up,” and he tightened the lace and tied a knot.

      Her face flushed and she slapped him hard on the cheek. Chuck Norris grabbed her by her red hair and planted a kiss on her lips, long and sensual. When he released his grip, she was reeling, wild eyed as a scurvy dog. 

      “Take them away!” he ordered with a wave of his hand.

      The buccaneer escorts grabbed the women’s wrists and roughly pulled them towards the path. Emily turned her head and caught the captain’s eye.

      “Now I know why they call you Sea Wolf. I think you are despicable!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. She quickly looked to Jill, a look of terror in her eyes as they were dragged down the pathway.

      Chuck Norris smiled, as he heard his crew laughing from afar; this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. If circumstances were different, he would have asked her to join him. But he hadn’t even found out her name…

What about that is not amazing? NOTHING. They also have westerns, medievals, vampires and online love stories. (Yes I made an internet dating one too. Chuck Norris’ username was illfuckinkickyou.)

Minor data point - the weird plaid flag features a completely different couple in the exact same pose. What?

Description from Ragnar and Juliet by Lucy Woodhull

Bounty hunting is usually so easy. Flash a little cleavage, mix a roofie cocktail, and Juliet has her man right where she wants him: out cold, ready to be swapped for cash. Her passions are freedom, trashy clothes, and pie—not necessarily in that order.

Hunky alien ship captain Ragnar doesn’t deserve torture at the hands of the psychotic king who hired Juliet; he liberated one of William the Nefarious’ illegal concubines. Juliet can’t ignore such a noble act. She doesn’t trust men, but this one, with the kindest smile she’s ever seen, picks away at her resolve to stay aloof and clothed. He’s just so…nice! Crazy she can deal with; sincerity is terrifying.

Before she gives in to her irrational urge to get a timeshare with him (and his cute tail), they’re caught by the bad guys. Ragnar disappears and abandons her to her disgusting captors—so much for togetherness. Perhaps he’s not such a saint. Even worse, Nefarious William (who prefers “Bob”) has nominated her for Concubine of the Evening. This dubious honor does not thrill her, and only a few hours remain before the king’s mind-altering drugs obliterate her free will.

Sexual slavery might not be fatal, but Juliet would rather die. Of course, the third option (run away to a beach and hump Ragnar silly) is the best, if they can live that long.

It’s my favourite thing when romance novels walk the terrible/amazing line like this. I haven’t read it (yet - let’s be honest, could anyone give this a pass? Did you read the title?) but I’m preemptively proclaiming it a must read with cheese factors of OH SWEET JESUS.

bryndonovan:

with rows of lace and ribbons, frills and froths. Later, when they glided across the floor of the restaurant or the ballroom above the theatre, they would look like perambulating wedding-cakes. The pale bared shoulders of younger women nearly glowed in the dim.” -Chapter Six, Full Bloom

Emphasis mine. Best phrase ever.

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himaq:

Ah a romance novel isn’t complete without comic sans 

Somethings tells me Nick Miller is a self-published lad. 

infiniteroses:

I love Tessa Dare! One of my favourite historical romance authors <3

Someone should warn this woman that she appears to be in love with a Dementor.

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