STFU, Romance Novels

Christmas Gift for Cheesy Romance Fans

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:24:19 -0700

Got someone in your life who needs a good laugh? Buy them a personalized romance novel from booksbyyou.com, online chuckle barons behind such awesomeness as my new novel starring my friend Emily and Chuck Norris. Behold:

Chapter Five … Emily & Chuck Norris - a heated encounter

… Emily slapped the coin from his outstretched hand, sending it flying into the shrubbery. “We don’t want your blood money!”

Chuck Norris sighed, his eyes narrowing, then he suddenly reached out and grabbed Emily by her bodice string that, unbeknownst to her, had become untied and hung loosely from her dress. The lace tightened immediately as he pulled her towards him like a dog on a tether. Emily winced with surprise and embarrassment, her green eyes ablaze.

He leaned close to her, breathing softly in her ear, making Emily almost lose her balance and certainly some sense. He paused just long enough to catch her off guard in anticipation, when he said, “You might want to keep the girls tied up,” and he tightened the lace and tied a knot.

Her face flushed and she slapped him hard on the cheek. Chuck Norris grabbed her by her red hair and planted a kiss on her lips, long and sensual. When he released his grip, she was reeling, wild eyed as a scurvy dog.

“Take them away!” he ordered with a wave of his hand.

The buccaneer escorts grabbed the women’s wrists and roughly pulled them towards the path. Emily turned her head and caught the captain’s eye.

“Now I know why they call you Sea Wolf. I think you are despicable!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. She quickly looked to Jill, a look of terror in her eyes as they were dragged down the pathway.

Chuck Norris smiled, as he heard his crew laughing from afar; this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. If circumstances were different, he would have asked her to join him. But he hadn’t even found out her name…

What about that is not amazing? NOTHING. They also have westerns, medievals, vampires and online love stories. (Yes I made an internet dating one too. Chuck Norris’ username was illfuckinkickyou.)

XMAS SALE – 20% OFF MOVIE PARTS POSTERS!

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:08:43 -0700

XMAS SALE – 20% OFF MOVIE PARTS POSTERS!:

emmabutler:

Calling all movie-lovers / design-enthusiasts! Until November 25th you can receive 20% off any Movie Parts Poster order you make at my store, using the coupon code: rudolph

Don’t delay - get your order in soon to ensure it’ll arrive before Christmas …

Totally off-topic! But Emma makes some badass movie posters. They’re the opposite of minimalist (and there’s a Back to the Future one! COME ON PEOPLE.)

"I know the truth now. You’ve figured out I’m falling in love with you and you’re..."

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:47:02 -0600

“

I know the truth now. You’ve figured out I’m falling in love with you and you’re trying to make me stop by hurting me this way. Well it won’t work.

One way or another, I’m going to make you care about me. Yes, I am, unless your cold attitude kills me first.

It’s only fair, Connor. If I’m going to be miserable, by God, so are you.

I am not a common wench and I will not be treated like one.

”

- The Wedding, Julie Garwood (via historicalromancequotes)

This is when you bust out the restraining order. Did they have those in Regency England?

Minor data point - the weird plaid flag features a completely...

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:23:42 -0600

Minor data point - the weird plaid flag features a completely different couple in the exact same pose. What?

It entertains me when you reblog my post from Julia Quinn's novel and you add words like these: "Oh Hyacinth, always trying to be clever you STUPID BITCH I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU STUPID VAGINA MONSTER it’s just because I WANT YOU TO BE INFERIOR love you so much I want you to smile real, okay baby? Julia Quinn scares the shit out of me." LMFAO! Are you a romantic novel hater? or you just find it stupid or annoying? :3

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:15:34 -0600

I’m totally not a hater! I actually I love (well-written) romance novels. What I do hate is woman-hating bullshit. And of course there’s a lot I find amusing about some romance novels, including but not limited to: weird phrases, goofy nicknames, impossible love (even and especially if the hero is a total dick who no one could EVER love), awkward covers, things that make absolutely no sense, and of course, The Thing You Can’t Unsee: how many times romances say ‘women’ or ‘female’ throughout.

So, no, I’m not a hater. But I am a critical consumer of an awesome genre and enjoy posting the weird stuff here.

"When Hyacinth smiled — when she really smiled not one of those faux half smiles she did when she was..."

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:04:51 -0600

“

When Hyacinth smiled — when she really smiled not one of those faux half smiles she did when she was trying to be clever — it transformed her face. Her eyes lit, her cheeks seemed to glow, and —

And she was beautiful.

”

- It’s in his kiss by Julia Quinn (via sweetbaginaaaah)

Oh Hyacinth, always trying to be clever ~~you STUPID BITCH~~ I mean ~~WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU STUPID VAGINA MONSTER~~ it’s just because I ~~WANT YOU TO BE INFERIOR~~ love you so much I want you to smile real, okay baby?

Julia Quinn scares the shit out of me.

The Terrible/Amazing Continuum

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 11:06:16 -0600

Description from Ragnar and Juliet by Lucy Woodhull

Bounty hunting is usually so easy. Flash a little cleavage, mix a roofie cocktail, and Juliet has her man right where she wants him: out cold, ready to be swapped for cash. Her passions are freedom, trashy clothes, and pie—not necessarily in that order.

Hunky alien ship captain Ragnar doesn’t deserve torture at the hands of the psychotic king who hired Juliet; he liberated one of William the Nefarious’ illegal concubines. Juliet can’t ignore such a noble act. She doesn’t trust men, but this one, with the kindest smile she’s ever seen, picks away at her resolve to stay aloof and clothed. He’s just so…nice! Crazy she can deal with; sincerity is terrifying.

Before she gives in to her irrational urge to get a timeshare with him (and his cute tail), they’re caught by the bad guys. Ragnar disappears and abandons her to her disgusting captors—so much for togetherness. Perhaps he’s not such a saint. Even worse, Nefarious William (who prefers “Bob”) has nominated her for Concubine of the Evening. This dubious honor does not thrill her, and only a few hours remain before the king’s mind-altering drugs obliterate her free will.

Sexual slavery might not be fatal, but Juliet would rather die. Of course, the third option (run away to a beach and hump Ragnar silly) is the best, if they can live that long.

It’s my favourite thing when romance novels walk the terrible/amazing line like this. I haven’t read it (yet - let’s be honest, could anyone give this a pass? Did you read the title?) but I’m preemptively proclaiming it a must read with cheese factors of OH SWEET JESUS.

Perambulating Wedding Cakes

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 10:57:33 -0600

bryndonovan:

with rows of lace and ribbons, frills and froths. Later, when they glided across the floor of the restaurant or the ballroom above the theatre, they would look like perambulating wedding-cakes. The pale bared shoulders of younger women nearly glowed in the dim.” -Chapter Six, Full Bloom

Emphasis mine. Best phrase ever.

"Gregory knew a thing or two about women, the most important of which was that it was always a good..."

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 15:06:06 -0600

“Gregory knew a thing or two about women, the most important of which was that it was always a good idea to befriend the friend, provided they were friends, and not just that odd thing women did where they pretend to be friends and were actually just waiting for the perfect moment to knife each other in the ribs.”

- On the Day to the Wedding by Julia Quinn (via sweetbaginaaaah)

Ah Jesus. Look, I know your first instinct is that bitches ain’t shit, Julia Quinn, but if you have friends who you want to stab you need to reexamine your life. This is a public service announcement from stfuromancenovels.

Also, don’t befriend your wish-she-was-your-girlfriend’s friends in an effort to get closer to her. That’s some weird shit.

himaq: Ah a romance novel isn’t complete without comic...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 08:10:06 -0600

himaq:

Ah a romance novel isn’t complete without comic sans

Somethings tells me Nick Miller is a self-published lad.

infiniteroses: I love Tessa Dare! One of my favourite...

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 10:10:05 -0600

infiniteroses:

I love Tessa Dare! One of my favourite historical romance authors <3

Someone should warn this woman that she appears to be in love with a Dementor.

Glitter Baby Week: That's a Wrap

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 15:06:05 -0600

Thanks for hanging out during Glitter Baby Week. I know it was tough. Possibly it destroyed some of your faith in humanity (especially in men who called themselves Bird Dog.)

Sunday is material day in my house, so relax and take a break from telling romance novels to STFU while I page through this stuff so you don’t have to. It’s a public service and someone has to do it.

Have a great weekend!

"She straightened, then walked away: Jack Koranda was as dead to her as the grandmother she’d..."

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 10:10:05 -0600

“She straightened, then walked away: Jack Koranda was as dead to her as the grandmother she’d never known.”

- - Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips

This is the only mention of this mystery grandmother in the entire book.

Bird Dog Like Bird Lady. Bird Lady Like Bird Dog?

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:24:06 -0600

Jake: Nobody holds a gun on Bird Dog.
Fleur: Is that so? *makes a finger gun*
Jake: Wow, that's a fast draw you have there.
Fleur: Fastest draw in the Big Apple. Seems like Bird Dog's going to have to adjust his thinking.
Jake: Seems like Bird Dog already has.

Context Doesn't Improve This

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 14:22:34 -0600

“Just hold me for a minute, okay?”

He set the pearl-handled Colt on the table next to the bed and walked over to where she was standing. He opened his parka and put it around her, then cuddled her against his flannel shirt. “You’re no fun.”

She gave a choked sob.

“Hey, are you crying?” She nodded against his jaw. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I guess my timing wasn’t too good.”

- Glitter Baby, Susan Elizabeth Phillips.

So if you’re anything like me, you’re like “why does he have a gun?”

He has a gun because he just finished breaking into her house to hold a gun on her and force her to undress.

Remember earlier when I posted that cheeseball line about staring at each other with perfect trust? That happens six pages after this.

Such a Relief!

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 15:21:05 -0600

Fleur: My mother was your lover!
Jake: If it's any consolation, we never did the dirty deed.

"Sometimes I think hunks have just about ruined my life,"

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:44:05 -0600

“Sometimes I think hunks have just about ruined my life,”

- Kissy said mournfully. (From Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips)

Kissy was earlier described as having “gumdrop eyes”. It’s not clear how a gingerbread woman’s life could be ruined by hunks.

Glitter Baby Week: Spotlight on Weird Nicknames

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:20:06 -0600

Most romance novelists realize that a long list of barely comprehensible and sugar-sweet nicknames are off-putting for any audience past the age of eight. But Susan Elizabeth Phillips boldly goes to where only your 99 cent Avon novel has gone before. The rundown:

- Glitter Baby

- Bird Dog (Jake, usually referring to himself)

- Flower (Fleur) Also, really? Her name is already…you know what, never mind.

- honey lamb

- Doc (Jake again, also frequently in the third person)

- enfant (Fleur, from her “father”, making it EVEN CREEPIER when he tries to sleep with her.)

- Kissy

- Fleurinda (!)

"They gazed at each other with perfect trust."

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 13:21:06 -0600

“They gazed at each other with perfect trust.”

- last line from Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips.

Perfect TRUST, people. You will never know the love they do. Also, I feel compelled to tell you that Jake (the male lead) refers to himself in the third person as “Bird Dog”, with a perfect lack of irony.

Plot Roundup: Glitter Baby in Few Words

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 10:41:05 -0600

Glitter Baby is a modern classic in terrible romance. It actually kind of reminded me a V.C. Andrews novel, but with less technical incest.

Starfucker Belinda gets pregnant with Errol Flynn’s child, and manages to get rich Alexei to marry her before she shows. Alexei makes her give her daughter, Fleur, to a convent (SERIOUSLY.)

Fleur grows up hot and becomes a model, nicknamed Glitter Baby (SERIOUSLY) by weirdo mom. And the media actually runs with this, like it’s a thing that would totally catch on. Because everyone called Cindy Crawford “Shiny Princess”, that’s how fame works. She thinks she’s soooo ugly, you guys, with her big hands? And her weird-slash-beautiful unique eyes? You guys, she’s so ugly.

Fleur is like that annoying friend you have who always thinks she’s fat.

Fleur is in a movie and falls for the lead, Jake. Belinda trys to bone Jake, then tricks Jake into boning Fleur instead. Fleur hears them discussing this and runs away! She is not heard of for six years, and then I stopped listening because Jesus Christ.

In the end they have a baby and Belinda is still a head case.

I bet Errol Flynn’s estate is just fucking thrilled about this book.

Oh, I forgot to mention that somewhere in there Alexei trys to bone Fleur when she’s about seventeen. Keep it classy, romances!