December 2011
1 post
5 tags
Christmas Gift for Cheesy Romance Fans
Got someone in your life who needs a good laugh? Buy them a personalized romance novel from booksbyyou.com, online chuckle barons behind such awesomeness as my new novel starring my friend Emily and Chuck Norris. Behold:
Chapter Five … Emily & Chuck Norris - a heated encounter
… Emily slapped the coin from his outstretched hand, sending it flying into the shrubbery. “We don’t...
November 2011
1 post
XMAS SALE – 20% OFF MOVIE PARTS POSTERS! →
emmabutler:
Calling all movie-lovers / design-enthusiasts! Until November 25th you can receive 20% off any Movie Parts Poster order you make at my store, using the coupon code: rudolph
Don’t delay - get your order in soon to ensure it’ll arrive before Christmas …
Totally off-topic! But Emma makes some badass movie posters. They’re the opposite of minimalist (and there’s a Back to...
October 2011
2 posts
4 tags
“I know the truth now. You’ve figured out I’m falling in love with...”
– The Wedding, Julie Garwood (via historicalromancequotes)
This is when you bust out the restraining order. Did they have those in Regency England?
3 tags
September 2011
4 posts
sweetbagina-deactivated20111109 asked: It entertains me when you reblog my post from Julia Quinn's novel and you add words like these: "Oh Hyacinth, always trying to be clever you STUPID BITCH I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU STUPID VAGINA MONSTER it’s just because I WANT YOU TO BE INFERIOR love you so much I want you to smile real, okay baby? Julia Quinn scares the shit out of me." LMFAO! Are you a romantic...
5 tags
“When Hyacinth smiled — when she really smiled not one of those faux half smiles...”
– It’s in his kiss by Julia Quinn (via sweetbaginaaaah)
Oh Hyacinth, always trying to be clever you STUPID BITCH I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU STUPID VAGINA MONSTER it’s just because I WANT YOU TO BE INFERIOR love you so much I want you to smile real, okay baby?
Julia Quinn scares...
6 tags
The Terrible/Amazing Continuum
Description from Ragnar and Juliet by Lucy Woodhull
Bounty hunting is usually so easy. Flash a little cleavage, mix a roofie cocktail, and Juliet has her man right where she wants him: out cold, ready to be swapped for cash. Her passions are freedom, trashy clothes, and pie—not necessarily in that order.
Hunky alien ship captain Ragnar doesn’t deserve torture at the hands of the psychotic...
2 tags
Perambulating Wedding Cakes
bryndonovan:
with rows of lace and ribbons, frills and froths. Later, when they glided across the floor of the restaurant or the ballroom above the theatre, they would look like perambulating wedding-cakes. The pale bared shoulders of younger women nearly glowed in the dim.” -Chapter Six, Full Bloom
Emphasis mine. Best phrase ever.
August 2011
23 posts
5 tags
“Gregory knew a thing or two about women, the most important of which was that it...”
– On the Day to the Wedding by Julia Quinn (via sweetbaginaaaah)
Ah Jesus. Look, I know your first instinct is that bitches ain’t shit, Julia Quinn, but if you have friends who you want to stab you need to reexamine your life. This is a public service announcement from stfuromancenovels.
Also,...
3 tags
5 tags
1 tag
Glitter Baby Week: That's a Wrap
Thanks for hanging out during Glitter Baby Week. I know it was tough. Possibly it destroyed some of your faith in humanity (especially in men who called themselves Bird Dog.)
Sunday is material day in my house, so relax and take a break from telling romance novels to STFU while I page through this stuff so you don’t have to. It’s a public service and someone has to do it.
Have a...
5 tags
“She straightened, then walked away: Jack Koranda was as dead to her as the...”
– - Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
This is the only mention of this mystery grandmother in the entire book.
5 tags
Bird Dog Like Bird Lady. Bird Lady Like Bird Dog?
Jake: Nobody holds a gun on Bird Dog.
Fleur: Is that so? *makes a finger gun*
Jake: Wow, that's a fast draw you have there.
Fleur: Fastest draw in the Big Apple. Seems like Bird Dog's going to have to adjust his thinking.
Jake: Seems like Bird Dog already has.
5 tags
Context Doesn't Improve This
“Just hold me for a minute, okay?”
He set the pearl-handled Colt on the table next to the bed and walked over to where she was standing. He opened his parka and put it around her, then cuddled her against his flannel shirt. “You’re no fun.”
She gave a choked sob.
“Hey, are you crying?” She nodded against his jaw. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I...
5 tags
Such a Relief!
Fleur: My mother was your lover!
Jake: If it's any consolation, we never did the dirty deed.
5 tags
“Sometimes I think hunks have just about ruined my life,”
– Kissy said mournfully. (From Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips)
Kissy was earlier described as having “gumdrop eyes”. It’s not clear how a gingerbread woman’s life could be ruined by hunks.
3 tags
Glitter Baby Week: Spotlight on Weird Nicknames
Most romance novelists realize that a long list of barely comprehensible and sugar-sweet nicknames are off-putting for any audience past the age of eight. But Susan Elizabeth Phillips boldly goes to where only your 99 cent Avon novel has gone before. The rundown:
- Glitter Baby
- Bird Dog (Jake, usually referring to himself)
- Flower (Fleur) Also, really? Her name is already…you know...
3 tags
“They gazed at each other with perfect trust.”
– last line from Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips.
Perfect TRUST, people. You will never know the love they do. Also, I feel compelled to tell you that Jake (the male lead) refers to himself in the third person as “Bird Dog”, with a perfect lack of irony.
3 tags
Plot Roundup: Glitter Baby in Few Words
Glitter Baby is a modern classic in terrible romance. It actually kind of reminded me a V.C. Andrews novel, but with less technical incest.
Starfucker Belinda gets pregnant with Errol Flynn’s child, and manages to get rich Alexei to marry her before she shows. Alexei makes her give her daughter, Fleur, to a convent (SERIOUSLY.)
Fleur grows up hot and becomes a model, nicknamed Glitter...
6 tags
Welcome to Glitter Baby Week
This weeks kicks off an entire week’s worth of posts about Glitter Baby, Susan Elizabeth Phillips epic failure of romance. It has everything!
convoluted plots!
stupidly attractive female lead who thinks she’s ugly!
emotionally messy mother!
sexually abusive father!
terrible nicknames!
Big Misunderstandings!
Tune in all week for the highlights while I continue to amass library...
3 tags
2 tags
“But as for himself, he had not a clue.
Flowers? He’d seen other men with...”
– Just Like Heaven, by Julia Quinn (via muffinzandcatz)
This is what happens when you let a three-year-old play Mad Libs with you and they just keep saying the same word every damn time.
3 tags
2 tags
3 tags
Discombobulating Irises
And his eyes were blue. Really blue. Uncomfortably blue.
And it was then I saw the gun.
(From It’s in His Kiss by Julia Quinn.)
2 tags
7 tags
Stunted Men
elizabethreadsromance:
“He’d been surprised by the tiny kick of pure male lust in the pit of his stomach. He was thirty-three years old and rarely felt that particular feeling. He’d certainly never felt it for a pregnant woman suffering from amnesia.”
—
What are you, gay? (Pregnesia)
This is classic example of what I like to call the Stunted Man Theory of general romance. It sounds fancy but...
3 tags
“Do you always go braless at home? Riley inhaled the sugary aroma of her girl...”
– The Girl Most Likely To… by Susan Donovan.
You know what would make this quote better? A great big steaming pile of absolutely fucking nothing.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go make some cookies with my sugary girl flesh.
4 tags
“Rick had been exposed to many females in his lifetime and none had ever shaken...”
– The Playboy by Carly Phillips
THEY EAT FLESH. POSSIBLY WITH THEIR VAGINAS.
The best thing about this is that he doesn’t specify human females, so we’re left wondering if he’s ever been almost as shaken by a lady dog or aardvark.
4 tags
The Thing You Can't Unsee
Get us something to drink and we can indulge, women-style.
- Pearl in The Playboy by Carly Phillips
Pearl, the wackadoo elderly neighbour in Carly Phillips’ The Playboy, is so kind to demonstrate The Thing You Can’t Unsee about romance novels. Which is that they throw around the words ‘women’ and ‘female’ as though the reader has never before been...
